There are days that feel heavier than others, those days can turn into weeks, and into seasons. I have found myself with a lot of heaviness in my heart, heaviness that has entangled me. It's easier to avoid it, to become complacent in it and almost numb to everything around you. The only thing that has been an outlet to me is pouring out to serve and minister to those around me. The moments that have brought me the most joy are the moments I've run around playing soccer with the kids even if I can barely kick the ball. You never know a persons full story, you never know what they are facing in their own mind, all you can do is love them. In a season where I've had a lot of my own wrestles and questions I've had a lot more sympathy for those around me. I don't know what loss or hardship someone is facing but I know how much pain it can cause and none of us can walk through it alone. My heart breaks knowing that some of these kids have had to walk through the unimaginable and maybe we will never know what.

I've been reading through Matthew recently and a few days ago I read Matthew 14.  I read the passage with completely new eyes this time and it changed the way I see Jesus. " When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick." Jesus heard the news about John the Baptist and I know he was grieving and consumed with emotions and he took the space to withdraw and sit in solitude. However, over and over he gets interrupted, but instead of pushing them away he welcomes them and loves them. After speaking to the people, feeding them, and spending time with them, again he steps away and sits alone and prays. I think that is how this past week has been for me, there have been constant opportunities to love those around me, and serve them well, sometimes all I want to do is be alone and think but I know that when I am ministering to those around me Jesus did it before me. He knows what it's like. I know I can't just sit in the pain or the emotions, there is nothing I'd rather be doing then serving and expanding the kingdom. However there is also a time to be in solitude and sit in the pain and in those moments I have the greatest comforter with me, my Father. He has sustained me in the season more then I could imagine. I can still have joy in the little things even when the biggest things in my life seem to be falling apart. Through it all I've been able to see Jesus like never before. His character is even more real to me, I know he felt the same real, angry, confused emotions I did, because nothing in this world is as it should be. But we can't carry that, we can only bring the little piece of life and truth we do have to those we encounter every day.